Since my particular shoot was self-portraits, and the idea of recording conversations came after, I felt the best way to share my stories were through reading poetry I’d written over the years. You can read the words below while you listen from the link above.
Thank you for being here, and holding my story and the stories that follow, tenderly.
DECONSTRUCTION
deconstructing
the walls that were built
a house
to keep me contained
in the name of sanctity
my heart aches for the innocence of your youth,
carrying sacred texts around with you
praying to be seen
and deemed
as good
when my child
you have been inherently good
all along
i rediscovered God in the depths of my darkness
not a man in the clouds on a throne
not the human definition that determines right from wrong
but the presence of a grace i’ve always known
sitting with me
there
here
everywhere
no longer a judge but a home
brick by brick
crumbling
revealing
freeing
all that i am
for i am One.
a hollow reed
waiting to be blown through
or blown away
the breath of the Creator
filling my lungs
i am an instrument
dying to be played
and join the greater chorus
return me to the sanctuaries of the Creator
the open air cathedrals
of which i came
from ashes i am and shall return
darkness and light
we are one of the same
you cannot have one without the other
for we are Divine Nature
MY BEST FRIEND
my best friend
i rejected her.
i wanted to change her
convince her she was wrong
make her something different altogether.
i gossiped about her
and degraded her
as if she had no significance.
i starved her of love
exploited her
doubted her
and denied her.
i controlled her
and abused her emotions
convincing her of her too-much-ness.
i refused her desires.
and ignored her deepest longings.
i smothered her voice
with screams in a pillow.
i betrayed her of her truth
i shamed her for wanting.
i withheld her words
as if i cut out her very tongue.
i belittled her worth
her place and purpose.
i fed her false stories and placed lies on her shoulders.
until
i finally gave her permission
i released her from my control
as if all along waiting
for me to say “welcome home.”
since then
we’ve made amends.
my body,
my best friend.
ARSONIST
it’s been a year
that i’ve been grieving
who you actually are
who i needed you to be
not for the immediate
but for the decades
of deep wounding
once you see
you cannot unsee
and it’s a clarity
so blinding
it burns.
like the fire
smoldering
beneath what was
until i allowed
it to come up
rage
like a lion
from the bellows of my soul
i want nothing more than to roar
but i couldn’t
i couldn’t say how i actually felt
because “nice” girls don’t say what they mean
for fear of upsetting
how is that fair?
i’m trapped in the cage of my own withholding
bars you kept me in
to contain my wildness
why did my grandeur
make you feel so insecure
how did i mirror what you wanted
but never allowed yourself
to rest in self-love
instead
took it one step further
into self-loathing.
how dare i label you
a wound your mother gave you
a narcissist
familial destruction at its finest
and you were the arsonist
setting the facade
of that which we lived
ablaze
my wish for you is to have
what you couldn’t give me
only to see,
you didn’t have to be
all-consuming
if only you’d allow yourself to be
at home
with yourself
to forgive
yourself
and
be free
